When hubby doesn’t “deserve” a Proverbs 31 wife.

Over the past few months, God has given me a renewed hunger for Him and His will. A part of that for me is in serving Him through the roles He has given me, particularly that of wife and mother.

I want to serve my husband, and make our home a happy, peaceful place for him. I believe that home should be a sanctuary of sorts, and it’s my responsibility to make it that.

However, even with the best of intentions, bitterness can creep in, so today I want to address something that I’m pretty sure we’ve all thought, at least once…what about when my husband doesn’t deserve a proverbs 31 wife? What about the times when he is crabby, rude, inconsiderate? (I have a wonderful husband, but no one is perfect, and no marriage is perfect…we’re all going to have the occasional disagreement, spat, or bad day).

A couple nights ago, I had just such a night. Chad and I had a small spat, not even an argument really, but I felt like he was being inconsiderate of my feelings, and unappreciative of the things I’m trying to do to better myself and our family and home. My hackles were up.

Immediately the Holy Spirit prompted me…What about being a proverbs 31 wife? What about making his home a place of peace and striving to be a cheerful, loving wife?

Does it really count if he doesn’t deserve it? Yes!

The world seems to think that if you are loving and serving toward your husband even in those moments when he might not “deserve” it, or when you might not feel like it, you’re just being a doormat.

I don’t believe that at all. So what is it then? Selfless, sacrificial love?

Yes, and no.

Yes, it is selfless and sacrificial love to be kind and compassionate even when the other person doesn’t deserve it.  For me, I have a wonderful husband, and it’s only moments now and then when I want to lash out instead of love.  In those times, I think it’s more than just selfless, sacrificial love.  In fact, we can just forget about the other person for a minute.

I do it for me.

God has called me to act in a certain way. His commandments set me apart from my surroundings. His commandments are to “act” not “react.” He sees everything, and I believe that he has compassion on us when we are hurt. But, He is just and His commands are just. There is no “but”. There is no “unless.” I am to love and serve my husband. Period.

Bitterness cannot enter in. For my sake. A contentious heart cannot enter in. For my sake. I have to strive to live in a way pleasing to the Lord, for my sake. The only way to be happy and fulfilled in this life is to be in God’s will. Only when I am living out His purpose for my life can I fully live in His joy and peace. And that is something too big to forfeit over a petty argument with my husband.

(Check out {Titus 2}sday, Domestically Divine, On Your Heart Tuesdays, Marital Oneness Mondays, The Unveiled Wife)


  1. says

    Oh such a great post! I understand the feelings – mine tend to be centered more on wanting praise and credit for the steps I take to be a better wife, mother, housekeeper, etc. I know deep down this desire is a worldly one and not of the Spirit, yet it is hard to not want it when I’m working so hard at doing what I am called to do. Then of course the feeling of guilt adds on. Thanks for admitting your flaw in being the proverbs 31 wife, it helps to let go of my own.

    • says

      Casting Crowns has a song called Stained Glass Masquerade, and I love it. I think being real helps us all! I’m sure some of us (me) might have these feelings more than most, but the important thing is to acknowledge and admit them, and work through them. Hiding things under the rug doesn’t help anybody. Blessings to you! God sees every step you take in the right direction, and I believe He celebrates with us, even in the small victories.

  2. says

    Love what you said here, Crystal…”The only way to be happy and fulfilled in this life is to be in God’s will. ”
    So glad you linked up with Marital Oneness Mondays, you are a beautiful fit. Hope you’ll come back next week and linkup again!

  3. says

    I love this, sometimes we tend to turn away from being submissive to our spouse. But if we first learn to submit to the will and authority of Christ, he will teach us how to better love and understand our spouse, even when we become stubborn.

    • Crystal says

      Thanks, Debbie! You are absolutely right that a peaceful home works both ways…But I have no control over anyone’s actions, except my own. And yes, sometimes it can be very sad and discouraging to be the only one working at something, but it’s even worse when both parties give up.

  4. says

    This post was extremely timely for me. I feel the exact same way and am struggling with trying to find peace and joy when I serve. Thanks for your honesty!

  5. Marlece Lasher says

    Yes, I hear you! It's not about how we are feeling but doing that which the Lord has called us to do. It is a sacrifice at times isn't it? Keep on girl, keep on….

    • Crystal says

      Yes, it certainly is! My main goal for myself is to get my hackles up less often! lol. Because while sometimes is my husband being inconsiderate, there are a lot of times when I am overly sensitive or take things in a bad way that weren’t meant to be. We’re all a work in progress I say :)

  6. Penelope says

    I had to fight myself over this last night! I was grateful that the Holy Spirit whispered to me at the end of our issues to continue doing what I knew was right and peaceful rather than give in to the same behavior I was receiving. Moments later, my husband softened and I was grateful I had listened so closely. I want to be the woman/wife that brings my family to God by my example and love. It can be so hard in the face of so much frustration. I appreciate you sharing this.

    • Crystal says

      Penelope, what a great moment of triumph when we choose to rise above and listen to the Holy Spirit’s prompting! More often than not, I find myself asking forgiveness later instead of following right away. Love those moments of actually following God, even in the tough times of frustration. Blessings to you, Penelope!

  7. Wendy says

    I appreciate this article but I would like to know; what about when the issue is bigger than a ‘spat’. What do you do or how do you respond to a cheating husband for example? Or an abusive one? Do you still maintain the Proverbs 31 woman stance to keep the peace etc

    • Crystal says

      Wendy, I understand your concern. I believe that God is very compassionate, He loves us beyond our understanding, and He hurts when we hurt. All that to say that He does understand our situations. However, I also believe that His word calls us to act a certain way. I’m not responsible for how my husband acts, but I am held accountable for how I act. So, yes I believe that regardless of how I am treated by any individual, I still have a calling to act in the way God requires. He doesn’t say to act a certain way, “if” we are treated a certain way.

      With all of that said, I believe that a wife (or husband) can deal with these issues in a way that provides for safety, yet without sinning. Marriage is a lifelong covenant between a man and a woman. When two people are married, they promise–both legally and spiritually–to remain joined together for the rest of their natural lives. I think the Bible is pretty clear that even if you are divorced, if you remarry it is considered adultery. So, if we take the Bible at face value, I believe it would be appropriate for a woman in an abusive relationship to physically extricate herself from the situation (move out), but to know that in God’s eyes she is still married to her husband, regardless of a legal piece of paper stating divorce. This is one of those hard truths that I don’t fully understand, but I can’t negate part of the Bible’s teachings. If I do, then I have nothing.

    • says

      I just saw this. I think Crystal’s reply is excellent, but I want to add this:

      When we are being mistreated, it is so tempting to behave badly in response: “You think you can do that to me?! Well, let me show you what I can do to you!!” But if you do this, you are no longer an innocent person who has been wronged–now you are in a battle of sinners each trying to hurt the other more until only one is left standing. Try to stay on the right path instead of being tempted down the wrong one. It’s hard!

      However, staying on the right path does not mean never mentioning that you have been wronged. If you are being abused, as Crystal said, you should get away to a safe place unless/until your husband repents and you are able to feel confident that he won’t do it again. If he is cheating on you, you can tell him that this hurts your feelings and endangers you physically (he could give you an STD) and that it’s wrong and you expect him to stop–without any attacking, vengeful behavior. With love and respect, you might be able to work through the issues that led to the cheating so that he won’t do it again. But even if his cheating leads to his leaving you, you can choose to control your own behavior so that you are only the victim of a sinner and have done no wrong yourself. We always have choices about our own actions.

      I am praying for you, Wendy, and hope that whatever problems you were having in September are completely resolved now.

      • Crystal says

        Thanks for sharing this great perspective, Becca! I really appreciate your contribution to this difficult conversation.

  8. says

    As much as I value your post, I am a little more contemporary. I'm not sure how how I feel being told that my happy emotions are valued but my negative emotions don't deserve the light of day. You're husband has to endure this too. Only his strengths are amplified and any and all "weakness" or moments of despair, shame, stress, or worry that he has are equally as disregarded and unloveable. It must be exhausting for him not to be able to recharge and just be real with you every once in a while! Respectfully addressing negative emotions can create additional growth in a marriage- a safe space where he can be vulnerable and you will be completely accepting and supportive- yet even more so. This is where your husband is not God but human. You are there for him as wife and mother but maybe you are not there for his true self (the person he is today AND the person God calls him to be) and heart. Providing a place where he doesn't constantly have to be this strong and all-knowing "god". As you mentioned before- he isn't God, he is a creation. It's his strengths AND his weaknesses that make him such a multi-dimensional beautiful creation of God. He could tell you when and where he's struggling and where he could use your help or understanding. If he can't speak to you on that level then that's why he backlashes, which is what happens when someone feels angry and they don't know/don't want to communicate it in a respectful way where both of you can talk about it. Asking yourself what those barriers are is crucial. Of course, I also believe different things work for different people. Writing this post has been my own reminder of my own marriage.

    • Crystal Brothers says

      Jade, thank you so much for taking the time to share your thoughts. I have to say that I have gone back to re-read the post and I’m not really sure what led you to the conclusions you have drawn. I certainly don’t think that only happy emotions are to be valued, but at the same time I do think that we are called to act in a certain way, regardless of those emotions. And again, I really have o idea what you are referring to when you speak of my husband not being able to be real with me, or not being able to show his weakness, or that I am disregarding him as unloveable.

      The point of this post is that there are times–during an argument, during times when we feel our spouse isn’t being fair, isn’t being reasonable, isn’t being there for us, etc. Times when, because of our negative emotions, we are tempted to lash out and not act in a loving way. The point is that regardless of how I feel he is acting, I should always treat him in a loving manner.

Thank you for joining in the discussion!