A few weeks ago, when I found out that I failed a portion of my exam, this was the phrase used to describe it:
Crystal addresses the question directly, and there are moments of lucidity in the essay. But, overall, the essay fails to meet minimum expectations.
(Don’t worry…I retook the failed portion, and graduated with my masters degree last Saturday!)
But as I read, the phrase stuck in my mind. And it occurred to me how appropriate it is to my life.
Through my struggles with depression, I feel that “moments of lucidity,” sums it up nicely. Most of the time, I am sad. I feel empty. There is a black cloud chasing me around. I have no energy. I have nothing good to say about myself.
But there are moments. Precious few. Moments when the world makes sense. When I can feel the joy of my life, and I live for those moments. When I have the gift of motivation and productivity, and serving my family, and serving God.
And while I regret the fact that my depression robs me of my life, most of all I regret the fact that my two boys have to live with a mother who is sick. They had no choice. And all I can do is pray that those moments are enough. There are so many bad moments. Mood swings; sadness; raised voices; lack of patience; lack of energy; lack of will and desire to do anything.
I pray that the good moments, few as they may be sometimes, will overshadow the bad ones. That the times of playing together, baking cookies, reading…will be enough. Enough for my boys to have more happy memories than bad ones. Enough for them to know that I love them fiercely, that I tried.
God, I pray that you will help me to overcome this. That you will help me live the abundant life that you promised. I pray that my family would not suffer from my failures, and that my boys will know how much I love them through it all.