My Mom :)
I’ve been struggling with this post all week. You’d have to live under a rock to not know that Sunday is Mother’s Day. I find myself with so many different emotions. So many things I wanted to say, but I couldn’t really decide which one to go with, so here are my jumbled up thoughts…
I learned so much about what it means to be a mother from my own mom. She sacrificed so much for the good of us kids. She has such a mother’s heart that she is always unofficially adopting people into the family. Our old pastor used to have a saying about membership–he said, “If you come once, you’re a visitor. If you come twice you’re one of us.” That’s how my mom was. If you came once, you were a visitor, if you came twice, you were family. I learned a lot about loving people where they’re at from my mom. Because that’s what she modeled for us. She has always loved people, and had a heart for serving them, even with no thanks.
And isn’t that the definition of motherhood? Serving people with no thanks.
Because all the little things of motherhood are pretty thankless jobs. But we keep on doing it because we love these little people we’re serving, and they need us.
I never wanted to be a mom. When I thought about motherhood, I saw long nights, screaming fits, too much responsibility, and a permanent forsaking of myself for someone else. And I didn’t want that. But, God knows best, and one day while I was on birth control, I took a little test “just to ease my mind,” and two lines popped up in the blink of an eye. I was 6-weeks pregnant.
That has been over 6 years ago, and in that time, I’ve learned that motherhood is so much more than the hard stuff. Yes, there are tough days, but the beautiful moments–my kids learning things I taught them, the hugs, the snuggles, the love, the innocence. I’m so grateful that God allowed me to be a mom, despite my own misunderstandings about what that meant.
In the midst of all these other thoughts, I can’t help but also feel unworthy. I suffer from depression, and my kids suffer because of that and it breaks my heart. I watch these beautiful videos about motherhood, and I know that I’m undeserving of the day, maybe even the title. Because all too often my own selfishness takes over. Sometimes my lack of energy due to depression takes over. And our lives look nothing like those beautiful videos celebrating the “real” moms out there.
(I don’t have many pics of myself with the boys…I’m usually the one TAKING the photos…this is the most recent one, and it’s from last Christmas, as in 2011! lol)
And while I’m saddened by some of the beautiful tributes to moms because I know I fall short, I know that there are others saddened for a different reason. I have friends whose mama hearts are full, but their arms are empty–due to miscarriage or infertility. And others who have lost their moms, and this day only brings pain for them. My heart goes out to them at this time, and I pray that God will comfort them.
If you know someone in those situations, maybe you could take a minute to show them a little extra love this weekend.
And, I wanted to share this video, for those like me who are still in the thick of it. Who still have little ones at home, and you’re still feeling like motherhood is a thankless job, and you wonder sometimes if you’re doing anything that matters. You are, as Steven Curtis Chapman says, “changing the world, one little heartbeat at a time”
Happy Mother’s Day! To my mom, and all the other mamas out there :)