Not a Failure.

Failure

I rarely post on the weekends, but that’s always one of the hang-ups for me and beating this thing called weight.  It’s not a good time to give up this or that. I need a new year, a new month, a new week, or at least a new day to start fresh.  But I have to start right now.

Some of you may remember last year, when I had my best ever “get healthy” kick.  It started spontaneously, and the next thing I knew, I was exercising 6 days a week.  What started out as yet another I-want-to-do-this-but-don’t-want-to-fail-yet-again, half-hearted kind of thing became something that was working for me.

It lasted for 3 months, and I truly believed I had beat this thing called food addiction and obesity. I lost 22 lbs.  I no longer had cravings for sweets.  No more struggles with binge eating. No more dreading to exercise. I looked forward to it. In the beginning, I couldn’t run even a tenth of a mile, and by the end of that time, I was jogging a solid mile. Not a huge accomplishment I realize, but to me it was.  I felt great, for the first time in a long time.

I still remember the awesome feeling of victory I had standing at Wal-mart of all places, buying myself work-out clothes (my gift to myself for meeting my first goal—losing 15 lbs).

And to this day, I don’t know exactly where it went wrong.  Was it when I started doing Jillian Michaels’ 30 Day Shred and working out became not-so-fun again?  When we went out to eat for our anniversary and ate out 3 times in a weekend after not eating out for months? (I swear, that stuff is addictive to me!  It only takes a couple meals to fall off the wagon.) When I stopped posting about it weekly here on my blog? Or was it the fact that we moved across the state and all the stress and travelling that entailed?  Or maybe it was my severe bout of depression and anxiety this past fall.

Whatever it was that caused the downfall, it’s complete.

I have not only gained back every single pound I lost, but I have surpassed my previous high weight.  Friday night, when I stepped on the scale, it read 208.4.  That is 10 pounds MORE than I weighed when I went to the hospital to give birth to my full-term babies!  That is not okay. It’s not healthy. I worked so hard to get out of that “obese” category, but here I am again.

I feel that weight.

I feel it when I walk, when I talk, when I breathe, when I get dressed in the morning, and when I try to play with my boys.  I feel it with every awkward movement.

I can’t describe the defeat I feel at getting back here.  The discouragement that comes from making all that progress and then having to start all over.

But start over I must. Because it’s not about the weight, and it’s not about the number on the scale. It’s about honoring God with this “temple of mine”.  And it’s about LIVING with my family.

It’s about taking my life back from the enemy, who comes to steal, kill, and destroy. And instead recognizing who I am in Christ, who comes to give me abundant life.

I have to leave myself with a positive thought about starting over. Because I know myself and I could easily bow under the weight of the defeat.  But the truth is, I spent 3 months doing well and losing weight.  And after I completely lost control, it took over 6 months for me to gain all that weight back.  If that whole 9 months had been spent gaining, if I hadn’t lost that weight in between, I’d be even worse off now and I have to hold on to that.

So, this is me.  Picking myself up. Dusting myself off. And starting up that mountain again, one step at a time.

What’s the toughest thing you’ve had to conquer?  How did you do it?

Comments

  1. says

    Crystal, I know how you feel. I didn’t gain any weight for about 10 years. Unfortunately, I didn’t lose any, either. And now I’m feeling it start to creep up again as I approach 50 next year. Ugh. Depression is the worst, making anything that takes energy so undesirable! But you’re right, we have to pick ourselves up and get back on that horse! Love you, girl!

  2. says

    I'm still conquering. Both weight and smoking. I have depression, anxiety and panic attacks too. I always end up going back to the horrible habits and they are so hard to break. You can do it! You are not alone and we are all on your side cheering you on!

    • Crystal says

      Thank you, Ramona for the kind words! I will be lifting you up as well, sister! Any kind of addiction really is a monster.

  3. says

    I’ve been there too, still am honestly. For me I lost almost 100 lbs. and gained practically every pound back. Typing that alone makes me want to cry. For me I suffered a huge attack with anxiety and depression after a very close family member was diagosed with cancer and died. So while I tend to mentally beat myself up for it, I also have to know, I was just trying to survive at the time. Still, I’ve been trying to get back on track and I think it’s harder this time around than the first time. ALL this to say (sorry about that lol) I feel you, I’m praying for you. If you ever want to talk or maybe start some kind of accountability-I’d be game-email me. At the end of the day, it’s not about the number on the scale or the size, it’s Him being glorified in everything.

    • Crystal says

      Yes, exactly–about Him being glorified! And I know that He is not being glorified in my present state of things…because my being overweight represents the fact that I use food as an emotional crutch, it’s like an addiction for me. And, yes, it thrives on anxiety and depression. I would love for you to leave your first name so that I can be praying for you in this as well! GOd knows either way, but it’s easier for me to pray for a name. And, I would definitely be interested in some kind of accountability thing.

    • says

      just wanted to say “amen” to what you said about Him being glorified. I think an accountability group would be GREAT for all of us. I certainly could use the help and the enCOURAGEment. Please count me in, if you decide to do it.

  4. says

    I feel ya :-(. I was doing so well a year ago – running an hour five days a week, drinking more water, etc. then I broke my elbows (fall while running) and then I got pregnant and had a baby. But it’s obviously more than all of that because its 99% psychological. It’s lonely. It’s not a journey that is easy to talk about and having hope takes courage I can’t always find. I wish I had the courage to blog about it. I did once, but that’s it.

    Good luck. I really hope it goes well for you.

  5. says

    Crystal, I’m right there with you. I’ve been on Prednisone (lowest dose is 10mg/day, but has been much, much higher) for 27 years (non-stop), and my weight been such a struggle when I increase doses of the steroid. I can usually drop a few pounds once I start coming down again, (usually the doses gradually decrease and most people are able to get off of it completely, but in my case with Behcet’s disease, I have only been able to drop to 10 mg/day. Lower than that, and I go into a flare of vasculitis, vasculitic lesions, neuritis, and etc. This disease affects almost every part of the body at some time or other. I get disgusted with myself for craving sweets—BIG sweet tooth!—because I know if I would just leave off the sweets, exercise (which with my damages legs, it’s a challenge), and be consistent, I could really lose weight. I beat myself up, just as you’ve done, but I can’t stop trying!! Your words enCOURAGE me to keep at it, and as you said, “dust myself off” and get going again. Thank you for your vulnerability. We can do this together!! Don’t give up, and I won’t either!

    PRAYERS and BLESSINGS,
    Pat (Currently 169 lbs and trying for 140).

    • Crystal says

      Thank so much for your kind words, Pat! I will be praying for you as well! I know your medical issues make it that much more difficult, especially with medicines being an obstacle.

  6. says

    Crystal, I’ve delayed responding to your post because I just wasn’t sure how much I wanted to say. But I’m right there with you. This is, hands down, the toughest thing for me, and I haven’t conquered it yet. I’m praying for you, friend. Please pray for me.

    • Crystal says

      Meghan, I will definitely pray for you! I know how tough of a battle it can be. Also, as always, feel free to email me if you want to say something less public. Love you, friend!

  7. Sarah Mueller says

    Crystal, Thank you for your honesty. This must have been such a hard post to write, but I know many people will be blessed by your voice and the courage you show in meeting this battle again.

    My toughest thing (still a work in progress) is finding healing for several family members. We are battling several health issues and at times it’s so sad and discouraging, but they need me to be strong for them. God has been faithful and we continue to pray.

  8. says

    Oh. My. Goodness. Girl, I could have written this post. {I think I did in my head}. You were just braver than I to actually post it. I am SO there. I have now gone through eight pregnancies and have the weight to prove it. I am unhealthy and NEED to get it off. I have gone through the high moments of success too, and now wonder where that girl is that wen through it and were the failure came from that is standing before me. Sign. It is SO hard. I need accountability. I think for me …. half of it, if not most of it, is a spiritual battle. Grrrrr….. Thanks for your honesty and transparency!!!

  9. says

    Hey Crystal,
    I found your link on Barnhop and just wanted to take a minute to encourage you. First, let me say congratulations on your first time around weight loss! That is a wonderful accomplishment and it should inspire you to know that you CAN do it again. Being someone that is in the process of slimming down after having my last two babies I can fully relate to your discouragement and struggles.

    Everyone tells you to nurse your babies and the weight falls off, but I am one of the weird exceptions to the laws of nursing nature apparently. I nursed my older ‘baby’ until 2 years and of course did not lose any weight. I went into the next pregnancy with 20 extra lbs. Repeat that process with next baby and its not a pretty picture in the weight/health department. I see a lot of friends that easily lose weight after baby comes and it has been a huge trial for me, yet I know nursing my babies was the best way to give them a good start in life and I willingly gave them that gift.

    Now I am in the process of getting my health back in order. The fact that I am home with the littles all day, makes it difficult to stay away from temptation. Keeping the food department going for a family of 7 is no small feat. Oh yeah, they are all males! So, snacking and large amounts of food are a given.

    I needed to do a drastic health kick to get myself back in gear, so I can have more energy to keep up with the demands of a growing family. I am documenting my journey of my brand new baby blog juggling5monkeys.wordpress.com if you care to stop by and cheer me on.

    I pray that you find the strength and support you need to succeed in your goals. If you want a buddy to be accountable to, shoot me an email and we can support each other.

    Blessings,
    Katrina

  10. says

    Your post really hit home with me, as I am going through the same thing. In December, 2010, I started losing weight. I was 224#. During that year, I lost 82#. Felt great, and looked great. Started having some life problems and started eating for comfort again. Quit counting points, etc. I have gained 33# back, and on my short body, it’s noticeable. I hate myself for doing this. I just can’t seem to get it back together.

    • Crystal says

      Oh Jamie! I am praying for you right now! I pray that God will lift you up out of this pit Satan wants to keep you in!!! I know it’s discouraging to gain that weight back, but you’re still almost 50 pounds down from where you started! As you know from the first time, it starts with one step in the right direction! I am praying for you!

  11. says

    What a beautiful post. It resonated with me, as someone who’s battled self-loathing for the last six or so years due to weight. I’ve lost 40lbs myself, but put it all back on and then some. It hurts and it makes me angry. It’s the one area in my life that I’m afraid to surrender to God. I think it’s because I subconsciously think it’s too much for Him. And that’s so wrong, indeed blasphemous. Satan is working SO hard to control me in this one facet of my life. I must surrender this to the Lord, but I just don’t know how yet. I’d be interested to hear more of your story as you battle the weight.

    In Christ,
    Melissa

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