This is going to be a different kind of post. I don’t have any tips or words of wisdom to impart. It’s just me, pouring out my heart.
Friends, God has been moving in my heart lately. And I’m in that place of pruning. It’s not all fun, and sometimes it’s painful, but at the same time, it is beautiful, encouraging, and invigorating because I know that He chastens those He loves. And I know that He is leading me. There is comfort and peace in His leading.
Dreams seem to be the buzz word in my online Christian circles lately. More specifically, chasing your dreams. I’ve even written about it myself.
It seems like every time I turn around, someone who is more “arrived” is telling us that we need to dream bigger, work hard and achieve greatness.
It’s always about greatness.
For a while now on this blog, I have been chasing dreams. I’ve been doing what the experts say I need to do in order to be a successful work at home mom. A successful blogger. My traffic has grown. My small income from this blog has finally overtaken the expense of this blog.
But the whole time, I feel like I am spinning my wheels. And even though I love you, my readers, and I love what God can do through blogs like this…it just feels empty.
I’ve been chasing this dream. And it’s not even about the money or success. It’s about what they mean–validation. If I have an audience of thousands, or if I can contribute to my family financially…then I matter.
I’ve written about this before, but the truth is it’s a constant battle for me. This desperate need to be useful to God, to do something big enough to matter. I’ve written about how I want to be where I’m called, even if that means I’ll never do the “big” things. And in my head I believe that and know it to be true. But sometimes it doesn’t sink in as fully as I need it to.
And sometimes, I have even been resentful. I’ve found myself wondering…why does she get to be a missionary? Why does she get to be a big blogger, teacher, author, etc. while I’m called to be just a mother and housewife? And the Lord has gently reminded me of Jesus’ words to Peter in John 21…”what is that to you? You follow me.”
We live in a society that doesn’t value motherhood. And even though I have written posts about how we are never “just” stay at home moms, it’s another thing that is hard to really get past…this need to matter somehow. To be valued and validated.
But when I get that from worldly pursuits, it’s empty.
I believe with 100% of my being that the only thing that will ever leave me satisfied, fulfilled, and at peace with my life is to live it in the way that my savior desires for me. It’s exhausting to be spinning my wheels and feeling emptier and emptier.
Maybe I will never be a “big blogger” or a published author. But for right now, I am tired of fighting it. I’m tired of holding on to something that for me is a worldly pursuit and a dream that the Lord is clearly telling me to let go of.
A while ago, God asked me in my spirit…”Will you lay down your nets and follow me?” This happened when I was reading Mark 1, specifically Mark 1:18. Jesus was calling his disciples Simon and Andrew. He called them to follow Him and we are told that “they immediately left their nets and followed him.”
They immediately left their nets. They gave up their livelihood, and their lives as they knew them.
And God has been asking me, gently calling me, to lay down my nets and live the life that He has chosen for me instead. And isn’t that always the best way? I have argued with myself–the Lord gave me this love for words, right? And I know that words have the power to bless, encourage, and share His message with others. I don’t think writing or blogging are bad. I don’t even think that blogging as a business is bad.
But I can say with certainty that it is not what the Lord wants for me right now.
So, I’m letting it go. I’m recommitting myself to God’s will for my life, and to my family. I am recommitting myself to the mission that led me to start this blog–serving God and my family with a joyful spirit. My desire is to live out Colossians 3:23 in my home. Even if no one else ever sees, He sees and He deserves my best, whether I am discipling and teaching my children or cleaning the toilets.
Simply put, I’m tired of chasing worldly pursuits, tired of chasing dreams. I just want to chase God. And I think when we do that, the other things have a funny way of falling into place.
Just to clarify–I will probably still blog and share as the Lord leads. I’m excited to share the new direction He is leading our family! But it won’t be on the “right” schedule, and it won’t be as a business or for “success.”