Full disclosure–I’m writing this for me. It’s rambling, and it’s probably too personal and vulnerable. For those of you who don’t understand weight struggles, it will probably even seem ridiculous.
Oh, the pain of writing this post…again. But maybe we all have those hangups and issues that we just can’t seem to beat.
Having this struggle with food addiction goes against everything I stand for. But I still can’t seem to kick it. Yes, it’s probably related to depression, but I don’t want to use that as a crutch. The truth is that I’m weak.
It’s a constant source of frustration and discouragement to me:
- My weight causes a lot of physical and health problems for me.
- I am medically obese, which again, causes a lot of health risks and complications.
- It represents an area of failure, unfaithfulness, and when it comes right down to it, it’s sinful.
While some sins and failures are hidden, mine are out there for all the world to see and judge.
Three years ago, in the spring of 2012, I thought I had finally beaten this monster. I was inspired when I stumbled across a “workout jar” post on pinterest and I ran with it. I started working out every day and continued for 3 months. I changed my diet to eating mostly real foods and healthier portions. I cut out soda and eating out. There were no more binges.
I had no cravings for the junk food I’d been so addicted to. As far as I was concerned, the battle was over and I had won. I’d never before reached a point where I looked forward to working out and did not at all crave those foods or even want them. I felt in my heart like I had the victory over this thing that has held me captive for so long.
But then one thing led to another. We found out we were moving and had to move across the state in about a month’s time.During this time, we made several long trips to try and get everything settled. I was stressed to the max and felt like I had no time to get it all together. Little by little those convenience foods and eating out were added back in. The stress of moving and all that entailed made it easy to fall back into the habits and addiction of comfort eating.
I had lost 22 lbs at that point. It took 5 months of letting it all go before I started gaining it back.
A Year From Now…
Looking back, there are so many times when I wish I could have reached out and told myself to “stop it now while you still can, before it gets out of control.”
In 2000, when I was 18 years old and weighed 115 all through high school. I had the same horrible eating habits, but it hadn’t caught up to me yet. And it wasn’t quite an addiction yet. Just bad habits.
In 2001, when I was 19 and my abusive boyfriend berated me because I had gained weight–the traditional freshman 15– and was now fat. I weighed less than 130 lbs. I was not fat. But I felt bad about myself because of his damaging words. I maintained that weight for a few years before it started to fluctuate, reaching 160 before I got pregnant the first time.
In 2010 when my youngest son was a year old and I weighed 145. I had maintained that weight for a few years, except for when I was pregnant both times, but I still wasn’t happy. 2 pregnancies and c-sections had left me with a little pooch in my belly and I distinctly remember a lady at church asking me what I was going to do when I had 3 kids so close together. I wasn’t pregnant. Again, this was not an unhealthy weight for me, but my self-image was still very poor.
I wish I could go back to that point and tell myself that I still had time to get it together and get healthier before it got out of control. Because it would get out of control.
By 2012, I had reached 200 lbs. I weighed more than I did when I was 9 months pregnant and was medically obese. That’s when I got serious about it for a while and lost 22 lbs. I reached 178.8 and felt better than I had in a long time. I will never forget the joy of reaching that first goal.
I wish I could go back to that point and tell myself to get a handle on it now, before it got out of control.
Because it would get even more out of control as I gained back all the weight I had lost…and then some. A lot.
I would never have dreamed that I would look back at my 200 lb self and say “get it together before it gets even more out of control.” But I’m at that place now.
I can’t go back.
No matter how much I wish it, I can’t go back to any of those points and get myself together before it gets worse.
But as I was thinking of all this and longing desperately, the thought hit me, and I know it seems painfully obviously, now is the time.
If I continue at this pace, there will come a day when my weight and health will be even more out of control, and I will look back even to this time and say, I wish I could go back and tell myself to get it together before it gets worse.
Now is the Time.
If you’re reading this and thinking that you’d like to get healthier, I just want to encourage you. Forget about tomorrow, next week, or the elusive “someday”. The time to start is now. If you are in that spinning out of control place where you haven’t reached rock bottom yet, I hope that you’ll listen to someone with experience. Now is the time to take your life back. It will only get more difficult to do so with each passing day.
I don’t know if I can be successful this time in beating the food addiction, but I’m going to keep trying. No matter how many times I fail I will always keep trying. And now is the time.
Support and Encouragement
I’ve done the research. I’ve read, and read, and read. I know what to do, it’s just a matter of doing it. Maybe you’re like me and you know what to do and just need some motivation and encouragement.
Or maybe you’re newer at this journey and you really need some solid information.
I’ve just learned about this course that may help us both get started. I was able to preview it, and I think you’ll like it as well. It’s a free ecourse, 4 Essential Habits of Healthy Families, and the classes are taught by some of my favorite bloggers: Crystal Paine, Katie from Kitchen Stewardship, and more.